I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
