wrigley field is MILF paradise
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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