My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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