Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
