I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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