i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.