i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....