We're facebook friends in real life
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze