Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...