I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
