how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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