Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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