Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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