my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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