Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
