my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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