I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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