You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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