I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
