I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
