the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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