How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
