I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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