i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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