I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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