She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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