I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
