yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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