Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
