my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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