Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
