If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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