Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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