Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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