Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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