I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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