I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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