Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
