I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
PANTIES FOUND
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