Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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