here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
