i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Be still, my beating vagina.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
