I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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