So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
