I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Enjoy the penises
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
