My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
