last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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