I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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