I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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