Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
