I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
