You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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