You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Two words: nipple clamps
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