I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
